The phrase "I think I am in the wrong generation."
Today I want to talk about the phrase "I Think I Am In The Wrong Generation", I've used this phrase before and I will probably use it in the future, but today I want to take the time to explain what I mean when I say that. I don't think I would've wanted to be born in an earlier generation, because that would mean that I would've probably turned out to be a very different person than I am today, and I like the person that I am today, yet rarely anybody else seems to think that. And don't get me wrong, there are quite a few people who like me, but they don't like me for the reasons that I like myself. And I think it would've been easier for me to connect to people if I was in a different generation. I just feel very out of place when I interact with other people my age, I don't listen to their music, I don't care about the things that they do, I have different standards, different goals, different thoughts and different ways to approach things. In a sense I've reached my goal of being different than most, but I'm paying the price for it now, loneliness.
When I talk to people my age, I feel like some old boomer, I don't feel like this is my generation, I feel like I am that old grandpa who is trying to tell them about my own time, presenting them how things used to be, boring. Just for once I want to meet somebody my age that I can relate to, just once. I'm in so many ways different yet the same. Maybe I just have a very pessimistic look at this because the last year hasn't been very great for me socially speaking. I haven't met many new people, but I've left the ones I already knew.
I am often complimented for my english, my thoughts, my mindset, yet none of this matters in the end. Or does it? Am I too self-concerned? I don't know, because nobody knows me as well as I do yet I would want somebody to. I want to see new people, I wanna get to know them, I want to observe, yet I don't seem to be welcome to do that. Which I can understand, nobody would want to hang around with their grandpa all the time.
I know I'm probably too self-focussed, self-concerned and narcissistic, but what else was supposed to happen after such a long time of being pretty much alone? Maybe it's always been this way. I want to change that now. But I can't anymore, I missed my chance, I'm out of school now, I don't meet any new people at work and even the boarding school I was supposed to go to is now probably going to be online, so yet another chance missed to meet new people. Maybe I should give in, maybe I should go get myself a smartphone and install snapchat, follow people, and message them, I don't know. I don't want to, but I don't want to be alone either. I love talking to other people, I would even go as far as to say that it is one of my hobbies. But I can't. I can do it online, but that's not the same.
I've got a new haircut recently, got rid of my long hair, now I look like every other teenager out there. I don't think it accomodates me well, I don't think it represents me. But maybe it will increase my chances to appeal to people my age? I don't know, I don't want to seem desperate either tho, maybe it seems like I am a grandpa trying to be hip and all. But I'm not desperate, right?
I think I made a lot of progress recently, I don't talk about "masturbation" as extensively anymore because I've been told that most people think it's gross. And it seems to work better like that, I don't mind it much. And during conversation I pay more attention to talk less about myself, learn more about others first. I always say that I want to talk to others yet I think that I usually only want to do that because I want to tell others about my principles and ideas, maybe so I can get some confirmation? I don't know, I am not sure but I don't want it anymore. I want to change, I want to be a nicer person to talk to, I don't want to be average tho. I just want to be nice.
People told me before that if you're not happy alone you won't be happy in a relationship. I think this probably has a lot of truth to it, and I'm working on it, it's been getting better since I don't masturbate every day anymore, don't know why that helps, but it does, I like it. But then again, does this mean that I can't strive to be around others if I'm not happy?
I often think that I am oh-so-special, yet I am like everybody else, yet I am not. Everybody is different, that's why I'm like everybody else, yet I'm not. My goal of being different is unachievable yet always achieved by definition. Yet I am yet to find a really interesting person IRL, being different doesn't mean that you're interesting. I guess I don't only want to be different, I also want to be interesting. But the irony of it is, there is a sweetspot of being different while being interesting, but once you surpassed that you're just too weird to be interesting to most. But I don't want to appeal to most, or do I? I guess I do because I haven't found *anybody* yet, but maybe I shouldn't set my bar so low and maybe I shouldn't make myself depend on others so much at all, but I'm just lonely and I want to talk to some people goddamnit. I want to hang around with some cool people, I want to live a normal life but the definiton of "normal" seems to be so much different now. I don't want to bother others.
Writing about this helps a lot, at least it will once I'm done, right now it is still a heavy weight on my shoulders but soon it will be gone, or will it just be hiding again? Will it come back? It probably will. Sometimes I fear that people I will get to know will read this. I don't know why I'm scared of it, maybe they'd like it? Rarely anybody seems to have a log these days. Honestly I don't know why this would be interesting to anybody but I just wanted to get it out of myself. I don't always feel like this, it's just that sometimes it all piles up and I have to let it out, those are the days when I write here.
I guess if you're still reading, thank you. Have a nice day. And I wish you the best of luck on your own journey. Don't Stop Believing.