I want to cry out loud but I don't know what about.

Today I noticed, that I can surpress my tears, something I was never able to do very well. I don't know why this started happening. I've just noticed that over the past couple of days I've been feeling something around my heart getting tighter and I don't know what it is or what causes it, I know that it's not good though. I feel like I'm surpressing some emotions but don't know what they are about, I know that I want to cry out loud but I don't know what about. Maybe it's the feeling of emptiness around me, the meaninglessness, the failure in doing the one thing I love, making other people laugh and making them happy, helping them. I failed, and I see no reason that this might change. I want to focus my entire life on other people but sometimes I like to forget that I have a life on my own to manage. Maybe this all boils down to the feeling of loneliness once more, maybe it is also bundled with my seeming inability to stick to doing/learning one thing. I've always found ways to excuse my inability to learn, most of the time by saying that it was pointless anyways becauset the system behind it was flawed, I'm not saying that I was wrong saying that, but that's where my questioning of everything originated from. And it's sickening. I start a lot of things but I rarely, if ever, pull through with them. I am disappointed with myself, I should take action to change something but the way I want to change my life, I can't. I don't know where to start and I have nobody to tell me how to. I don't want anybody to tell me how to, I want to figure it out on my own but I don't.

If you've read this to the end, thank you and have a nice day :D

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