I can't stay alone for even an afternoon without feeling incredibly lonely.
I know it's been a while since my last glog post. That's because I usually only write them when I feel especially bad, this has not been the case for the past 1-2 months which is a good thing. But today I felt like talking about the thing that bothers me the most in recent times, loneliness. Ever since I stopped taking my pills I got less and less interested in my hobby, programming. Which is .. fatal, because that was my go-to thing to use my time, my go-to thing to talk about when having conversations, and now that it's gone I seem to have nothing left to do. I tried picking up new hobbies like playing the piano but I just can't seem to follow through with it, at least not like I did with programming, practicing the piano helps to keep me occupied for half an hour to an hour at most usually, but it can't carry me through hours and hours of free time every day. Instead my interests have shifted over to .. conversation. I am very interested in having conversations with people, I feel great joy in doing activities with other people. Of course this is nothing unusual, but this is something new for me, something I have had for my entire life, but never in the extreme sense that it does now. The hard part about this is that I don't have any friends living in my close area. And even the ones living a little bit further away I cannot contact, mainly due to them not having any time on their hands. Every day I sit in my room being alone and I go through multiple stages of feeling lonely which always results in me feeling like shit and rethinking all my life choices, of course, nothing unusual again, but this really gets to you once you have it almost every goddamn day.
I thought for a while that moving out of my parents house would help with this situation, and it sure would, it would keep me occupied when I come home from work, as I would surely have to do tasks in my home, or maybe I could go outside and meet people by introducing myself as the new neighbor and potentially find new friends that way. Tho.. I think that this would just be avoiding the problem (doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to move out of my parents house, but my financial situation doesn't allow for this to happen at this time). So I think I'm just gonna have to actually go out and do new things, but it's hard. And I don't know if I can get myself to do this.
I just cannot seem to enjoy doing things on my own anymore, I've done it for so many years now and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being alone in my room and laughing and stupid youtube videos or social media threads. I wanna go out there and do something, I wanna go out there and feel the world, I don't need to be productive, but when I come home at the end of a long day I wanna be able to say that I did something, and I did something good, and well, and something that was fun with people I enjoy. I don't wanna come to work next day and the only thing I have to tell is "well, I worked on some projects, kind of."
I hope by satisfying this urging desire of mine I can someday put it to rest and actually enjoy the time with myself. But right now... I just can't seem to. One might say "You can stay at home and live in your thoughts" which I would totally agree to, if I wouldn't have done that for the past 1 1/2 years or so for almost every day. Just keeping your own thoughts and living in that world of your own thoughts doesn't go well if you do it too long without ever telling anybody else and ever getting any feedback on your thoughts. I've experienced this first-hand in a confrontation with my parents a few years ago. I think it's time to go and do something, but I don't know if I have the power and social abilities to do so. I'm gonna try. I hope I will.
If you made it to the end, thanks for reading and have a nice day :)
If you want to comment or give your opinion on this feel free to contact me