I want to bang my head against the wall.
Today I want to talk about a feeling that I've felt for the first time recently, and I have felt it quite a few times since then, the urge to bang my head against the wall to relieve emotional stress, pinching my finger, biting myself, just in general doing things that hurt, nothing too crazy but still. It's not that I haven't felt "pain" (emotional distress) like this before, it's just that I never felt the urge to hurt myself because of it, and the worst part about it is that it actually "helps", it helps shift my focus from the emotional pain away to my body. There have been so many things recently that I wanted to say but just didn't want to say because I don't want to make the people around me that I love the most feel bad or just worsen their mood in general, I feel like I've done that way enough and it's just.. not a good time. I think I probably should've never shown this private page of mine to people I know IRL because then they might think that I am saying something about them when I mention people in here, it is the same reason why my friends usually don't know each other, so I can speak freely, it's not that I even talk badly about people I .. maybe I do, I don't know anymore. Maybe it's also that I want to avoid them exposing sides of me that I don't want the other one to know, I tend to adapt myself to the people that are around me at any given point to grant an "ideal" experience.
For the first time in my life I'm feeling like I don't want to live out a bad mood or something, or that I want to hide something because I don't feel comfortable with it yet, because now I want to make that one person happy and I want to avoid making them sad or concerned at any point, but me not being able to talk about what I feel properly makes them even more concerned and worried, and the worst part about it is that even if I wanted to talk, I rarely find the words because I never thought about it too deeply because I always wanted to hide it. I guess one can only feel bad emotions if they care, I didn't care until I met her. Now I can feel everything, BANG, why. I am confused and I don't want to be like this, I want to be better than this, I want to be better, for her. I want to talk to her right now but it's not possible and it kills me because it'll be another 24h until I can talk to her again but then the emotions won't feel like they do right now. I love her. I know my world shouldn't be all about her, but it .. is. I don't believe that I myself have any worth, I didn't think that before, and I don't think it now, I only want to make a couple people happy and then die, but now I want to be the one for her and I want to be the best and ... I shouldn't, but I do. I have to be more open about the things I feel, something that was never a problem for me but for some reason it is now. I never wanted to be perfect but now I do and it might just be the reason for this, I don't know but I'll find out eventuall.
If you've read this to the end, thank you and have a nice day :)
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